tonight's crickets had quieted considerably

long past sunset and their susceptible choir

the evening's rain had passed and it was marvelously early autumn

i noticed something amidst my wanderings

acted

and said (to myself in the humidity) whilst acting

"shut that fucking door,

my son does not live on the other side"

and i'm left with the peace that is me

and the life i find myself reinventing

so grateful

for each moment

each breath

each awareness

such grace

such space to live this

amidst such balance

and so pleased Cedar will pass again through that door

free to be himself

again with me

Note to self:

I should definitely plant more trees and talk less

for any number of reasons

maybe more than any because i becoming a curmudgeon

not to complain, it’s not something i mind, it’s something many of you mind!

I’m not going to make any predictions about fancy images or movies

or about how often or not I will post

but you can be sure of this

while sticking to a mostly PG platform

I am going to talk about what is on my mind, and you get to decide whether or not to read, how to react or respond

it’s just that more and more I feel more and more out of touch with the world

until of course I am filling up the golden piglet with biodiesel and instantly conversation of meaning ensues

or I spend a weekend at the common ground fair and i suddenly feel like a slacker instead, like a hummer driver cramming a whoopie pie into my face while on my bluetooth headset sporting a (insert disposable cup of coffee from your chain of choice)

or i am laughing and playing some mean brownie pong with pals

or at the ocean and more than anything, in the woods

but the latter two lack that element of frustration, humans (and mostly by context, americans)

i mean I am proud of driving in a car with people extolling the tragedy of road kill and keeping my mouth shut, but at what cost?! Have I let a small part of myself die when I don’t express what is so blatantly obvious to me (and stated just so) that clearly, not driving is only bettered by not building roads if one wants less roadkill?! I mean is that insulting to state as much?! How does that escape the conversation as it is happening, was I put there to decide what my reaction was. Does Universe want the truth to be present? And if so, why the fleepin’ beep hasn’t it graced with the ability to do so politely?!

Really, the old Mommily has come into play quite a bit lately > “If you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing at all.”

but yes, it feels like a part of me has died when the obvious slips by, especially when I know that those present are just somehow accpeting of dodging the actual truth in order to keep things the way they are, or at least keep enjoying the situation at hand

Thus I haven’t been blogging, or saying something in a moving car full of folks concerned about road kill, or listening to someone lament at their own lack of health like they don’t have any sort of control at all over it.

So the fantasy grows by the day, I wish to say the right thing in any given moment, to be able to balance (my perceived) truth of the matter at hand and be polite about it, allowing the conversation to keep moving, and even towards some resolution, productive end.

In the meantime, as I practice and choose to be silent in moments of not being clear or aware that my truth isn’t readily welcome: note to self, plant more trees. They are grateful at least...