nothing in particular

so I'm picking up somewhere abouts where I left off this past spring. I don't have much of a sense of time anymore, for plenty of reasons, but technology will guide the filling in of the gaps. Cameras remember when photos are taken and keep them in order accordingly. (and i just discovered I am able to move the photos around in the post once uploaded, it's a simple situation here in google land compared to using the mac software that is now shifting with the onset of iCloud...) At any rate, Cedar and I sometimes have a beverage at Grittys in Portland, waiting for a boat or grabbing a snack. The reason I am mentioning it, and seeing the photo from last spring, he is no longer allowed to sit at the bar. As our bartender said, "When he was little it was like 'Oh, isn't that cute' but now he's more of a child, and we can't have them at the bar." We talked about that with Cedar, that it wasn't personal, it's a rule. Before we picked a different spot to sit, I checked in with the bartender and asked "And the next time he'll be allowed to sit there will be...." and she said "21" and it just was one of those moments. Like that would be a longtime, even though this part has flown already... So we won't be seeing any pictures like the above for a couple decades.

We spend all sorts of time outside, for lots of reasons. The elements don't really stop us, we just adapt and take what there is. At first Cedar was reluctant to where things on his head and hands, but quickly caught on. Now he dons them more as accessories than as functioning clothing, but it simplifies things when he has choices to deal with the weather.

We have created a new area up at the p~pad, I guess I'll see what I can do for visuals with that. This summer we pecked away the edge of the meadow in front of the structure. The forest had been creeping in since I had lived there. I hadn't really noticed and only trimmed a couple things back but began to see the shape of the area changing, and realized I would soon loose the clearing if not acting. Cedar is a good little helper and we would tackle little projects here and there, and we found that as we pushed the forest back some, the little cement pad that was being swallowed suddenly had potential. Cedar wasn't into the chainsaw one day, surprising me, I honored that but mentioned to get to work, really get that area opened up, we would need the real thing. We had been pecking away with pruners, loppers, hand saws and the like. I pressed gently and he relented, I think intimidated by the sound. Down at "the end of the road" this summer he and Cob watched from the safety of the trampoline Jacob and I take down a massive spruce. We had to run a line up into it, we didn't want to drop it in the field or take out a fence line. That is where it wanted to go so they watched us work the tree. I started rocking once the front cut was done and the back started, with wedges. Attached with a long line, I could both see and feel the tree, and just gave it a little more each cycle of me pulling and it rebounding. It was like bodywork, like so many of the things that I play with that balance of thought and feeling. The tree fell right where we wanted it and the boys were delighted. At any rate, Cedar had trepidation about being around the saw, or something, but then once we were equipped with appropriate gear, he watched from safety while I cleaned up the edge of the meadow. Then he got all wound up about taking out one more tree, though we should clear one out between the pad and the meadow. I told him I though we should wait and watch, we could always take it out, but not put it back. He got a little stuck but I think now sees why we left it. We love the "chicken shack pad" and have built a fire ring, had a couple fires there together, even some meals. There's a little table there now, and next year I'll figure out how to tarp the area or build a roof of some sort. Spring isn't a great time to be outside up there so not sure about a screened in area, I looked widely for a screen structure but was not finding something medium sized... July did a number on the insects this year, dried things right out and August and September were easy going outside. We're not talking about blackflies until they come around again in May...

so we are heading up next weekend for a last retreat, a fall session in the woods. Cedar sees what it all means to me up there, it's partly the cabin but really it's the woods and our little spot outside now reenforces that, allows us a way, creates a space to be outside and really feel how enveloped we are by the forest. It is interesting, how it affects people, there were times when Cedar would be quite quiet up there, and I encouraged him to howl at the moon. He wasn't into it, and that was fine. He then heard some other noises, my voice echoed off the house or the edge of the forest on the other side of the meadow. He then started exploring his own voice, up in the wild. He has a very soft side to him, but can do some yelling and screaming. It's not directed at me but I know he does it, and the kid has pipes. Well he found them up in the woods, to feel comfortable with the peace around us, but also how a saw or an animal can be part of it. He found a balance there, with the peace that we experience, that seeps in around the edges and slowly fills us, pushing out so much of what society and technology has filled our heads with.

Yep, we'll be there again, creating balance to the crowded world of Portland and Peaks. He sees how hard it is to leave, and we take a moment in the car to say thank you, to brace for the coming transition, to essentially don the armor that melted off, to prepare to deal with society all that. For me it sucks, and I work at not letting on about that, instead I explain how important the woods are to me, how it feeds me, now I need it/them, and that I will be heading back there soon for keeps. I plant seeds like "I have to figure out how to make this work in my life. I want to live here." and he thinks he would like to live there too. I fill him in on some of the complications, he's not seeing the whole picture, doesn't conceive of how radical a shift that would be. He might like it, hard telling. But he can't have Peaks and the woods simultaneously, and his Mom isn't leaving the island, or if she does, it won't be for the woods...

as for me, it's pretty much the only goal I have, or at least the biggest and most important. Yep, grin and bear it for a spell